| sigh. i got nothin |
[Dec. 15th, 2004|04:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | still - C+C Music Factory | ] |
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss
Grab the book nearest to you. Turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down here what it says.
>> ... sa abot ng makakaya niyang magbehave.
Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?
>> stereo receiver
What is the last thing you watched on TV?
>>australian open
WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is.
>>4:16 pm
Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?
>>4:26 pm
With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
>>aquarium filter and raindrops
When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
>>this morning. i watered the plants. tapos umulan din pala hmph!
Before you came to this website, what did you look at?
>>power106
What are you wearing?
>> UC Davis shirt, black shorts
Did you dream last night?
>>yes, i was playing beach soccer w/ alex
When did you last laugh?
>>yesterday
What is on the walls of the room you are in?
>>ma and pa's certificates
Seen anything weird lately?
>>nope
Last movie you saw?
>>about a boy on tv
If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?
>>a beach house and car
Tell me something about you that I don't know.
>>umm.. secret.
If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
>> travel for free and oh... world peace
Do you like to dance?
>>yes
George Bush:
>>i blame alex
Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
>>cleo
[Same question for a boy]
>>amaury fabien
Would you ever consider living abroad?
>>Could be.
Will you pass on this survey?
>>No
Where is your favorite place to shop?
>>smokee's,mamplasan,prahtunam
Have any tattoos or piercings?
>>tattoos none, piercings 2
What is your favorite thing to wear?
>> ren & stimpy shirt
What is a must have accessory?
>>earrings
How much is the most you've ever spent on a single item of clothing?
>>5 thou
Who is the most fashionable person you know?
>> mum
Who is the least fashionable person you know?
>>dunno
Do you match your belt with your hair color?
>> nope
What is the worst thing you've ever thought looked good?
>> i love everything i wear..
How many pairs of shoes do you own?
>> lost count
What are you most scared of?
>> clowns
What are you listening to right now?
>>c+c Music Factory
Who was the last person that called?
>>tita rose
Where do you want to get married?
>>beach in the P.I.
How many buddies are online right now?
>>8 not sure
What would you change about yourself?:
>>none
What are essentials in your life?
>> faith, hope, love, happiness and sleep
What nationality are you?
>> filipino
Do you send out holiday cards each year?
>>to a certain few yes..
Desktop picture:
>>pharrell,naomi,vashtie and big ben walking in paris
CD in player:
>> best of big band era, motown collection, compilation
DVD in player:
>>eurotrip c/o enrix |
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| shouldn't. wouldn't. couldn't. |
[Dec. 2nd, 2004|12:05 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | i shall not be moved | ] |
| [ | music |
| | artstrong - benefit of the doubt | ] |
I feel like I'm half awake or just half alive. I am in this chair and someone tugs me upright and after a while I'd slump back into my seat. Someone tugs me again and I'd fall back in. The cycle kept repeating itself. Next thing I knew, I was severely slumped in my seat and nobody's around to push and help me up.
Guess they grew tired and I sense they had left me out there to die. I cannot help myself any longer. But I didn't ask them to heave me or to sit me a plumb. They did it for themselves. I never asked. They were adamant. They wouldn't take no for an answer.
And now, they're leaving me. All at the same time.
They shouldn't have bothered in the first place. They could have left me there thinking I was just asleep. I would have loved to sleep forever... dreaming away. They couldn't have cared less.
Now I am crumpled in my seat. |
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| Too Hearty |
[Nov. 29th, 2004|03:13 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | with or without you - U2 | ] |
I hear this over and over and it strikes me each and every time… do not go into something that you'd do half-hearted. Never. Even the littlest and the most miniscule of things should be done wholeheartedly. And I want to live up to that. Things done half-heartedly should opted not to be done at all. It has to be all heart. So what does it take to do something with pure heart?
In passing…
COURAGE. I think I'm beginning to like this word and I just found out that it came from the Latin word cor which means HEART. It is defined as VALOR and FEARLESSNESS. It is also synonymous to bravery, gallantry, boldness, prowess, fortitude and heroism. But courage is that firmness of spirit that meets danger without fear - fearlessness. Bravery is daring and defiant courage. Gallantry is dashing and adventurous courage. Valor is personal bravery. Prowess is valor with skills and Fortitude is passive courage in enduring pain and adversity. But truly, when I hear FEARLESSNESS I hear oohs and aahs in the background.
Courage is explained to children as STRENGTH that one has in face of danger, difficulty and pain by overcoming fear (yep, strictly characterized by fearlessness - oooooh….) thus courage is strength without fear. Under all circumstances.
But over time, courage has become special to me. Indeed, when I am faced with adversity I hear myself beginning to take courage - to be firm in spirit, to persist in circumstances and to have faith. I have learned that courage is STRENGTH + PATIENCE, not strength nor patience alone but strength and patience united. To take courage is to be strong and have calm endurance if under suffering or provocation. If I say to take courage, I reassure myself "I will be strong and I will be patient." I never thought I could ever be fearless. But if courage means that as well then I shall be without fear. Although, that is too illusive. No one is ever without fear.
I have read that courage is not the absence of fear but the mastery of it. And that God can turn our fear into fortitude. We should resist fear and meet it with faith in God. Fearlessness is such and enthusing word with all the oohs and aahs attached to it. But nothing coups me more than courage which after all is HEART.
"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength while loving someone deeply gives you courage" - Lao Tzu |
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| just trippin' |
[Oct. 20th, 2004|12:21 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crappy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | morcheeba-what's your name | ] |
im depressed.
some random thoughts...
- a one great love that looks like eamon
- do i get to meet five people in heaven?
- narrow aperture...wide aperture... shutter speed...f-stop
- depth of field = rule of thirds/aperture and shutter speed
- "i see you baby"- groove armada
- celsius.com.ph
- cheese pizza with extra extra extra cheese
- i'm an overly sensitive wuss, cry with me (celsius.com.ph emotional scale) |
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| la belle rever. a beautiful dream |
[Sep. 18th, 2004|12:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  weird | ] |
| [ | music |
| | ebtg | ] |
In an instant I was tottering in Paris.
The pantheon was just across the street. They look grander than that of the pictures. I lookup, a ma droite, le pantheon! Zut! Paris, at last! I suddenly realized I was in this trip by myself. We were only three in this tour. A woman, a little over my age and I think her mother as well. They looked French to me. Why am I in this tour? The tourist guide was about six feet tall, brown eyed, ash blonde hair with a little moustache. He was wearing this pale yellow polo shirt, faded khakis and dirty white kicks (must be chucks). Oui, un jeune homme mais et vieille homme partout (he looks old for his age but he’s cute). Please stop talking. We don’t even know your name yet. Pardon messieur! Pardon… ummm… je comprendre un peu le francais! S’il vous plait… ummm stop talking French!
The tourist guide didn’t seem to care, we went around this unknown plaza which I had no idea existed in Paris’ landmarks. He’s talking to himself, the ladies were just walking around. They were not paying any attention to the poor guy. Oh shit! Now he’s talking to me… I just nod. He reads out this marble edifice in which ten different languages were superimposed. Apparently, I do not understand any of it. The biggest embellishment was in French which seemingly meant “comfort room”. Weird, why would they put up comfort room in ten different languages accorded with years that date back to the 18th century? Hellofva landmark. I excused myself. I’d rather take pictures. Where’s my cam?
We walked down the street and he was about to skip the Pantheon. Oh geez, what a tour. Ahh… pardon messieur! Le Pantheon, est… (I was pointing to the goddamn Pantheon!). Messieur! Le Pantheon! C’est tout? Is that all?
Oh ok, great.
That wraps up UN TOUR DANS PARIS!
I don’t know how to interpret dreams. |
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| work hard and play hard |
[Sep. 16th, 2004|11:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sore | ] |
| [ | music |
| | she wants to move | ] |
to happiness or bust. i choose to be happy. if i am not then i am just bound to be utterly devastated for the rest of my life. how can you live a life you were meant to live? happiness is the key. live life and be happy. a toast to happiness. cheers to life.
everyone deserves their one shot of getting what they want out of life.the problem is, there are obstacles. not everything will go your way to achieve the end game.
as what they say, you will never know what success feels like if you did not experience tribulations. makes success sweeter and more fulfilling. you feel the real triumph and emancipation after all what you've gone through.
same goes with happiness. there is a need for times to be desperate, to cling to the your last straw and feel completely lost and defeated. there is a need to be malcontent in order to feel completely jubilant. the paradox of life. a toast to experience. cheers to lessons learned. |
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| im loosing my favorite game |
[Sep. 10th, 2004|03:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | gamefaced | ] |
| [ | music |
| | dont wanna try frankie j | ] |
i feel defeated.
you beat me at my own game.
i started playing this game with you
and you haven't had a single clue how to play it.
i was all over you.
you did not even realize you were in this game with me to
begin with.
i pitied you.
it is of no use if you do not know how to play,
i thought to myself.
that would just be overly unfair.
in this league we only fight fair.
and so i told you the rules.
you followed them intently.
i was so proud of you.
you make me gleam with delight.
indeed practice makes perfect.
we practiced and practiced and practiced
until we peaked perfection.
we were outstanding.
but you turned against me.
i cannot deny that you were now better than me.
you turned the rules in to your favor.
i set those rules.
they were not meant to be turned to anyone's favor,
not even mine.
you lusted for power, of control over me.
you were no longer passionate over the game.
you were the game.
i cannot resist the game because i made it.
like a sculpture i painstakingly crafted.
inch after inch, grove after grove, fold after fold.
you took it and made it your own.
i uttered to myself, i am still in the game.
i will fight this until the end.
i know how to play it and the best way is by heart.
i can beat you at that.
but you were unfair and you know that.
you have imbibed greed knowing that from the start,
you were meant to take this from me.
my rules are now your rules.
my game is now all of you.
i still have heart for this game
but i no longer have guts to play it.
i can take defeat,
but not like this. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 9th, 2004|02:11 am] |
i have swallowed my pride.
i have stooped lowly.
i know i should not have
because i know what the end result would be like,
and still i did it.
i am sucker for your attention,
you are to me, my only grasp of reality.
because you were being true to me and i thought
you were for real.
and yet you lied to me.
for what reason, i cannot comprehend.
i try miserably to understand
but i cannot figure out why.
you lied to me
and still i did it.
i was asking for strength to let go
and let things be.
the more i was prodded to be consummed by you.
how appropriate, i was beginning to forget
but it was really me beginning to be obssessed.
it is like everyday i promised myself no more of you.
but it is everyday that i yearned for you and so
i searched for you. but my efforts, all in vain.
i have been but uncontrollable.
i am angry at myself.
the ire is that i know it is no longer favorable
and still i persist. each and everytime.
why cant i just be mocked in front of my face.
i dont deserve your silence.
god i think that just one response from you
i could fall right over.
and that for whatever reason i would accept all of you.
i am a sucker really.
again, can somebody just mock me in front of my face.
i feel rotten. i know because i am torn, broken and hurt.
and i did that to myself. no one to blame but me.
my brokenness is another story.
i hate you. you made me do this. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 28th, 2004|03:29 pm] |
As a wanderer bound by a mound of confusion, He thinks upon the bamboozlement he is undertaking. Trying to flee the paucity of satisfaction he has obtained and was more than willing to set out in another journey, he is at standstill. Haunted by the ways of the master, wanting to be taught of the paths and of the truth. He hopes mercilessly and in disdain. The master has not revealed himself, so the wanderer thinks to himself. But unbeknownst to him, the master whispers to his ear, the wind echoing his every word… “Everything on earth has it own time and its own season.” The wanderer remembers the exact words the master has told him long before he is to set out. The wind incessantly whispering and caressing the lobes of his ears… “Everything… time… season.” Those words resonated from the inners of his heart.
It has been too long, the wanderer is growing weary. He cannot foresee the journey ahead but overly desires the moment. He longs for the calming words of the master. He cries. Desperate cries. He could not contain no longer and languishes in the pit of his soul. Sobs, tears were all that was left. In the silence of his heart, he hears the master’s voice “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” The wanderer is calmed by the beat of his heart. Timbering, “I will comfort you, I will give you rest.” Emerging from the drought his soul was put through; he wipes the tears he has cried like a jaded baby and says:
“I am the wanderer, still I am but a child. I need you, master. To guide me, to show me your ways, to direct me in your truth. I am weak, how can you burden me with this task. I have no intimation for this journey you have set before me. I cry like a newborn and I know nothing. You always say that when I am weak then I am strong. Master, the less I have is the more I depend on you. But I do not know how to pursue. This is why I kneel before you. How can I get through this journey?”
The wanderer is asleep. He dreams. The journey was unfolding. The master was waiting….
“My child, the path you are about to take is a journey. No one arrives in his or her destination swiftly. Slowly, steadfastly, surely, the time approaches when the journey will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not quail for all will be well. Just be patient. The truth you are in search of will not be revealed in one day.”
For the vision is yet for an appointed time; but at the end it will speak, and it will not lie. Though it tarries, wait for it; because it will surely come. It will not tarry.
- Habakkuk 2:3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 20th, 2004|01:53 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | lean back | ] |
| [ | music |
| | move ya body | ] |
Of Pride and Pure Luck
It’s amazing how one can get a degree in just three years. Easy way out or a clearer picture of money making in the near future? Consider it as being victim of a college diploma mill. I pity those with four semesters in a school year. I was led to believe that after three swift, erroneous, malcontent and exasperating years of tertiary education I will prosper with great fortune and pride. There is this system of success that goes hand in hand with the prestige of education. True, with education you can go a long way, as far as your dreams can take you. Just as long as you have the money period. Education this, education that. The foundation of moral and ethical standards for living. To say that you are educated is equivalent to esteem and dignity. A life of practicality, gratification and security.
When you get a degree, how do you begin? I admit to wrong decisions or should I say untimely decisions that have led me to this question: will the path to take be of pride or pure luck? Will I take pride in the degree that I have so richly deserved or will I be fortunate enough to pursue it or either way just to become really lucky to attain stability in life. In translation, point one: I will not be wooed by high salary or incandescent stature for something that I cannot take heart in participating because I have so much pride in me that I will only take a job that is of my distinction and educational background, no more, no less (just pertaining to a job as a call center agent). And point two: redirect the path and accept the fact that luck plus determination will carry me through life.
I am not regretting the choice of degree, in some part the untimely decision wherein I have to list my first choice is regrettable because I did not give it much thought but in defense, I take pride in the decisions that I have made and no regrets should come of it. The ire is that of the lack of direction and purpose that should have been there from the start. The government will employ me, I will study hard. A multi national company gives high compensation and equally appealing benefits, I will study hard. I will get a good job and fulfill my dreams, I will study hard. That was the direction. I studied hard and none of these things have come into picture. After three months of my first job, I hated the system. I do not see myself being employed by the government or a multi national company and the goal of getting a good job is unclear. What was the purpose?
My heart says to follow the road less traveled. To happiness or bust. I envy people who right from the beginning was driven by passion and direction of their childhood dreams. Doctors, lawyers, nurses, teachers, political figures and the unending list of unimaginable professions. At one point I wanted to become those imagery of distinction or reputation apart from those, would also include as some people I know would say “silly” professions. Fashion Designer/Stylist. Ambassador of Goodwill to the United Nations. Travel and Lifestyle Show host. Make-up Artist. Journalist. Travel Guide. Photographer. Gardener. Professions that are in most certainty possible with pure luck. But as of now, the only occupation I am best suited for is a dreamer. I am a big dreamer but a weak worker. If my being a daydreamer to be considered as work, I already have an empire to run. Now I am stuck with which road to take though the less traveled are in full view. I am grateful for the opportunities that I have. I have the tools for happiness but I am bound by tradition. To be a good citizen, I have to address the needs of my family, my society and most importantly my country. How does happiness serve my family, society and country in one complete blow? That is the unclear. Thus I am torn of pride and pure luck. Choose to be enslaved by practicality this being get a job period or choose the path to happiness and let its fruits be showered to those who I am committed? Though my only dream is to have my own family, content, stable and happy living only to serve God. Where does pride or pure luck reside? |
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